Musk, the Archdruid and Teresa of Avila Walk into a Bar
On a finger of land on the north coast of Spain stands a lighthouse. In the lighthouse there is an inn, the Inn at the End of the World. The inn is made of stone and old oak timbers. In the inn there is a bar. Sophia tends the bar. She never knows who is going to walk in. But the bar is well-stocked, and she knows her trade.
Her first customer of the evening walks in. It is Elon Musk.
SOPHIA: Welcome to the Inn at the End of the World. What can I get you, Señor?
MUSK: Wow. Look at the view here. Uh - usually I have diet Coke. But I just had my 12th kid, so I’ll celebrate with a whiskey.
SOPHIA: ¡Felicidades! Any preference? Are your wife and baby coming?
MUSK: Pappy Van Winkle, 23 Year. The mother isn’t my wife – she works for me. But both of us think smart people should have kids.
SOPHIA: Neat or rocks? What does she do for you?
MUSK: She directs special projects at Neuralink.
SOPHIA: Isn’t that the company trying to turn us into cyborgs?
MUSK: We are already cyborgs. Your phone and your computer are extensions of you, but the interface is through fingers or speech, which are terribly slow. I gotta tell you – when the big guy at the door took my phone it felt like an amputation.
SOPHIA: Think of it like removing a tumor, Señor Musk.
The door opens. A tall, distinguished man with white hair strides in. It´s David Brower, founder of the Sierra Club.[1]
[1] Brower was a mountaineer, founder of Friends of the Earth and executive director of the Sierra Club. There was no better-known environmentalist in America in the 20th Century.
SOPHIA: Bienvenido. What can I get you, señor?
BROWER: What do you suggest, señorita?
SOPHIA: For you, on this warm evening, I suggest sidra de hielo. It’s made from frozen apples, served cool, and is like nothing you’ve ever tasted. [She pours a thick, golden drink into a glass].
BROWER: [sips it] Now that, señorita, is just what the doctor ordered. What are you having, sir?
MUSK: Some good bourbon. You an engineer?
BROWER: No. A mountaineer.
MUSK: OK. What was your toughest climb?
BROWER: Shiprock. We were the first to do it.
MUSK: Wait. The walls of the volcano in Navajo country in New Mexico? I thought Brower was the first to do that.
BROWER: You’re looking at him.
MUSK: The Archdruid? I thought you, uh, died in 2000.
BROWER: I did.
SOPHIA: Señor Musk, we are not on the Gregorian calendar here at the Inn.
MUSK: [muttering] I was sure those mushrooms from Burning Man were out of my system. Too much Ambien? Still, Brower, I respect a man who took the risks you did on that climb.
BROWER: Not as risky as going up against the dam builders at the Bureau of Reclamation.
MUSK: But you won that one. They never built the dam at Marble in the Grand Canyon.
BROWER: Exactly. Should we flood the Sistine Chapel so tourists can get nearer the ceiling?
MUSK: But you also were against nuclear power, the supersonic Concorde, and the Alaska pipeline.
BROWER: I have nothing against technology itself. I just look at history and see that every time mankind is given a lot of energy we go out and wreck something with it.
MUSK: Well, I agree that the world could be wrecked anytime now. It might be nuclear war or AI. Or it might be a meteor. That’s why we need to get to other planets.
SOPHIA: Why are you so obsessed with Mars?
MUSK: I’d like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.
BROWER: [laughs] Elon, you rape the earth for lithium and then want to leave the rape victim for a new place to strip mine.
MUSK: And you would prefer to see humans starve to death, hugging the poison ivy you refuse to pull up.
The door opens. A woman with big dark eyes, dressed as a nun, strides in.[2]
[2] For further reading, see Encounters with the Archdruid, John McPhee; Elon Musk, Walter Isaacson; and The Life of Saint Teresa of Avila, by herself.
SOPHIA: Bienvenida, madre. ¿Que le pongo?
TERESA: Agua, hija. [Sophia hands her a large glass of ice water]. ¡Gracias!
MUSK: Who is this?
SOPHIA: Gentlemen, may I introduce you to Teresa de Avila? She is my favorite saint.
BROWER: I’ve met some strange characters in this country, but this is an honor.
MUSK: Pretty attractive for a nun.
BROWER: My Lord, Elon.
SOPHIA: You see, madre, Señor Musk has been in America for a long time.
TERESA: You look very tired, mi hijo.
MUSK: I push myself hard. It’s stressful managing all these people and trying to save the species from itself.
BROWER: On top of being today’s messiah he is, depending on the day, the world’s richest man. We have been arguing about how men like him are ruining the earth.
TERESA: How friendly all men would be if no regard were paid to honor and money.
MUSK: Look, sister, it’s men like Brower that would hold us back from evolving, from progress. Guys like me push it forward. I agree with Fraser, that developer guy, who said greens like Brower worship trees and sacrifice human beings to those trees.
TERESA: Well, Señor Musk, you are right in one way. God put man in the Garden to steward it, not leave it alone. But progress toward what?
MUSK: Well, whatever comes next. We’re always advancing, our machines get more efficient, our rockets get faster.
BROWER: Mother Teresa, have you seen the strange stars at night that look like they are falling, in a line?
TERESA: Yes – and it sent shivers up my spine.
BROWER: That’s Starlink, Elon’s satellites.
MUSK: Most people have been sipping data through straws. Now we can all get it through a firehose.
BROWER: I see news that the Marubo tribe in the Amazon is struggling. Before Starlink they had no Internet and little contact with the outside world. Now, the elders of the tribe are complaining that the young men don’t want to hunt or fish. They would rather play video games and watch porn.
TERESA: What is porn, Señor Brower?
BROWER: It is moving images of people, um, engaged in you know, sexual intimacy.
TERESA: Husbands and wives allow this to be shown?
BROWER: Oh, it’s not husbands and wives. It’s really anybody with anybody.
TERESA: Señor Musk, you are aware of this?
MUSK: Sure, sister. It’s their choice.
BROWER: The young men are beginning to neglect their own children, I hear.
TERESA: You could turn this off, if you chose?
MUSK: Yes. But I won’t dictate to anyone how they use my technology. You’re stuck in the dark ages. Freedom is what matters.
TERESA: The devil is cunning. He often works his will through the wise of the world. You need to wake up, hijo. [She dashes the ice water in her glass into Musk’s face.]
MUSK: [red faced, spluttering] You silly b***h!
[The bouncer, Muhammad Ali, is passing through the room when he sees Teresa dash the water at Musk. He grabs Teresa by the hood of her habit and drags her out of the door. Sophia hands a hand towel to Musk; he walks out of the bar. Brower follows him. They walk around Teresa, who is standing on the porch.]
BROWER: Elon, you are a believer in climate change, right? Would you consider contributing to Earth Island Institute?
MUSK: [still mopping his face] I married some wildcats, but none ever did that. Forget it, Brower. Tesla will do more to stop climate change than all you greenies put together. [to himself] I’ve got to get out of this time warp or bad trip, whichever it is.
[Musk walks away, Brower trailing him. Sophia comes outside with Ali.]
SOPHIA: Cabrón, you kicked the wrong person out again!
ALI: I saw her throw her water on that cracker drinking Pappy 23. You want to lose rich fools who pay $300 a shot? St. Augustine got a bloody nose here last week. Girl, I gotta keep this bar from being known as the roughest joint on the coast.
TERESA: Please forgive me, hija. I lost my temper.
SOPHIA: You did right, madre. He is not the devil, and I like how he speaks his mind. But he is doing the devil’s work in the Amazon.
TERESA: Let nothing perturb you, nothing frighten you. This I preach – and I don’t listen to my own sermon! [She laughs]. Thank heaven we serve a forgiving Father.
SOPHIA: I’m not feeling very forgiving. The world’s richest man left without paying.
TERESA: Be gentle to all, and stern with yourself. Here, hija. I have got to get on to Santiago.
[Sophia looks at the coin in her hand. Once again, it is a heavy silver coin, a lamb on one side and a lion on the other.]